Disney Princesses (Photo credit: Joe Shlabotnik)
You look longingly at the gaggle of teen girls loitering around in their Manolo Blahnik shoes and tiny matching designer skirts.
You marvel as the chemical spray force field surrounding their bottle blonde hair barely tousles in the breeze. You wonder what is so important, as you watch their expert fingers caress their smart phone keypads, eager hands moving to and fro. Each one of those girls should have a reality show, you think to yourself.
Now, you look at your own fashion disaster of a child, her mousey unkempt hair, pale skin, dearth of makeup and giant load of books about yoga and meditation. What a nerd. You wish she could be more plastic, less sensitive, and less thoughtful of others feelings. With a sigh, you wonder where you went wrong.
Have no fear; Dr. Starr, Neurohacker-Psychiatrist in Exile is here. You want to turn your young daughter into a girl who thinks she is a princess? You want to raise a proper girl who thinks she deserves royalty treatment while destroying her self-esteem enough to seek fulfillment with sex and drugs?
If you follow my simple ten-step process, you can virtually assure your child will achieve Princess-Whore status. Who knows, she may even become a porn star, or make a viral YouTube video ranting about the inferiority of racial minorities.
As a child and adolescent psychiatrist, I completely failed my patients. I was trying to assist parents with improving discipline, fostering good eating habits, and raising children who possess the tools to develop into healthy well-rounded adults.
Now I realize that success in America is not measured in such things as morality, compassion and understanding.
Let’s face it: A teenage girl’s success is measured by her dress size, ability to choose the right makeup with the proper handbag and getting the right guy.
Since now I understand that American parents want more Kim Kardashians and Snookies, I may actually come out of exile. To commemorate this occasion, I have composed a simple list on how to turn your little angel into the perfect Princess-Whore.
1) Expose to copious amounts to Disney propaganda
Nothing is better than a princess whore who knows they are a princess whore, and nobody does child propaganda better than Disney. They are so good at it; Nazi Germany adopted Disney’s tactics to indoctrinate the Hitler Youth, something Disney brags about in the documentary Disney on the Front Lines.
Name me one Disney princess who has a mother? You can’t. No Disney princess has a mother. This is integral for the young girl watching the movie to feel isolated and vulnerable. It also gives them the desire to nurture the character (this helps marketing). Disney movies set a scenario in which the mother is gone and the woman figure in the Princess’s life is evil (evil stepmothers, uncaring women, evil witches).
Disney princess movies also convince young girls that they are objects by defying them of any nurturing themes or characters. Just look at one of my favorites, Ariel. She is convinced to give up her voice and use her body for the purpose of seducing a prince who leaves her for a more slutty chick. There are rarely any kind women in Disney princess porn who are noble or trustworthy.
2) Double amount of TV watching
Practice makes perfect. The average child between the ages of 8-18 watches approximately 30 hours of TV per week according to the GAO. You must make it your goal to expose your daughter to 60 hours per week. If you want to make a socially crafty backstabbing Princess-Whore, there is no better place to learn interpersonal skills than by watching TV. Make sure you leave them unattended for long hours, as the more sex and violence they are exposed to, the higher the chances that you crush their view of the world as being safe (see step 6).
Studies show that most young girls have their first exposure to sex before age 12 by seeing pornography. Objectification of the human body is a must. You can’t overdo this one. It will also give them something to blame you for later, further ostracizing them from the family.
By the age of 8 a child has witnessed 200,000 acts of violence on TV. Your over-achiever will have 400,000 under her garter belt by then.
3) Do the opposite of what you say; do not model will power.
Overeat, over-spend, and talk about it frequently in front of your children. Nothing undermines and screws up a kid more than a parent who does what they say they are going to do. If you exhibit will power, the child might exhibit will power and this would ostracize her from the clique of fellow PWs.
4) Never say no, never discipline, never spank.
This will go along well with number 1. You must let your little girl think she is royalty for the proper brainwashing. Therefore, it is imperative that you give them absolute free rein with any decision.
Expose to fashion and glamour magazines at an early age. Have a collage night where you pick out the skinniest, prettiest girls and paste them up in her room. Child beauty pageants are effective vehicles for this purpose as well. The goal is to view her body as an outside representation of herself; she really needs to tie her self-esteem to the way she looks.
Since you live in a trauma-based culture, and you are exposed to large amounts of TV and pornography while leaving your child with strangers for long periods of time, it should not be too hard for them to find a proper traumatic event. Sexual abuse makes the best personality disorders, so make sure you dress your daughter in sexy clothes and expose them to a great deal of adult behaviors, especially provocative dancing. If you feel that leaving your child exposed for sexual trauma is too much, there is always nightly news. You can do a good job making your child feel unsafe by letting them see what is going on in the “real world” as portrayed so honestly in the news.
7) Make her birthday a gala affair and tell her it is going to be perfect.
This can help with developing the proper amount of narcissism necessary when she is bullying other girls in school. Make a big deal of your birthday as if you were a child. Get mad at people who forget your birthday, and insist on lots of presents. YOU MUST MODEL THE PROPER BEHAVIOR.
Continually talk about how great her wedding is going to be, and how she is going to live happily ever after.
8) Get a psychiatric diagnosis for your child — and for you.
Bring attention to eating disorders and psychiatric illness. Children are very suggestible; it is easy to get them to develop any range of disorders from depression to anorexia. If you have followed my directions so far by giving mixed messages, exposing her to proper age appropriate trauma, and fostering a good narcissistic personality structure, this should not be a problem. Always celebrate National Eating Disorder Day, restrict food sometimes and othertimes go to Chinese buffets. Teach them to diet and count calories at least by 10.
9) Allow makeup by age 12 at the latest.
Convincing a girl that she is ugly if she doesn’t paint her face like a clown wreaks havoc with self-esteem. You do not want a budding Princess-Whore to thinks she is pretty without external adornment. Girls who can go out of the house without makeup are way too self-confident and not appropriately subject to the whims of the group. All good Princess-Whores give in to peer-pressure and temptation. Good self-esteem might make them less likely to follow the group.
10) Make sure she only dates ‘bad boys’.
This can be done by exposing your 10-12 year old to a great deal of vampire literature and occult movies. Music can also subliminally inject subversive themes. Your girl must see men as piggy banks if they are nice guys and sexual objects if they are ‘bad boys’. Properly teach your budding PW to identify earrings and leather jackets as indicative of the bad boy per the Hollywood archetype. If you have done your early childhood job correctly, this last stage should be easy as pie. At least as easy as your princess whore’s pie is to get, by every member of the high school football team. Don’t worry; you’ve already put her on birth control.
How will you know if you were successful?
1) Your child will daydream of the perfect wedding and pine for months about it being just right. She will throw numerous fits and be unhappy.
2) Your child will go to college for at least five years.
3) She has morethan one abortion. Not that it matters, since embryos are not alive.
4) Your daughter is on at least two psych medications before starting college and has at least three psychiatric diagnoses with one being Bipolar Disorder or an Eating Disorder.
I hope this was helpful in your training regimen. If you do a good job, who knows —you might have the next reality TV show star or viral YouTube video in your family. Good luck.
In my next installment: How to turn your boy into a trans-human mutant super soldier in five easy steps.